Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
can’t bark with your mouth full
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”