The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
i choose….tongue
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
All set.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob