I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
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There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
So sick of all these stupid rules
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Breaking news:
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.