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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
This anagram machine is out of order.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.