put ‘er there pardner!
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My daily affirmation
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*