[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
You Might Also Like
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes