Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*