My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger