I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.