Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Sing it!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.