You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
me and the Superbowl rn
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.