if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.