I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
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*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*