I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?