I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.