God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Beware of fowl play.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.