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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years