Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.