When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
This makes total sense…
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Holy crap this is wonderful
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.