Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me trying to look natural in photos
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
this is the best interaction on twitter
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.