Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.