Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Bond. Trauma bond.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.