Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
You Might Also Like
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”