[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
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Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
doing some research
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Rt to bother an English speaker
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.