My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
same energy
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Potatoes were such a good idea
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*eats only grass-fed donuts
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.