There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
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Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats