I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
same energy
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories