the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
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[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?