I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.