😲 WTF? 😆
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Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I am patiently waiting for your email