2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Ha.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.