“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up