When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
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Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
going to the ER y’all need anything
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.