Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Every work call, he judges.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”