I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.