I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time