when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44