professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
why no one uses midhusbands
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Oh my god
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
If a snake ate a cake
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.