Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Scream sneezers need love too.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet