*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes