ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*