6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
PLOT TWIST:
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony