If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
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HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car