hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit