People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror