My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Tastes like chicken.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.