“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My Guy
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Sounds like a bargain
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.