JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: