*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I love wikipedia
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.