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[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?